Please don't leave me
by Meg's story
Summary: After Syed is injured in the Arjee Bhajee roof collapse, Christian discovers Masood knew the roof was dangerous and his anger at Masood can no longer be contained, leading to some long-overdue home truths being confronted as he fights for Syed's future.


_Set in April 2011 (but written on 23/3/11, before details of the forthcoming plot emerged), this is a one-shot, imagining the Chryed story in the immediate aftermath the Arjee Bhajee roof collapse, when Christian's anger at Masood can no longer be contained, with flash-backs to scenes of Christian at Syed's bedside at the hospital.__ After Syed is seriously injured, Christian discovers Masood knew the AB Roof was dangerous, leading to new insight and some long overdue home truths being confronted. ___

_Of course I don't own the characters or the settings, which belong to EastEnders and the BBC. The ideas are mine, but are just for fun.__Please excuse any errors or cultural inaccuracies.___

_Please be gentle with me, it's my first fic, so I need a lot more practice at writing in character, but I'd love to know what you think. I'll aim for shorter, and much more fun, if I try this again! Thank you.___

_Dedicated to WFCTGIO –thanks for all the fun and inspiration!_

-c-s-c-s-c-s-

April 2011.

Christian saw them, crossing the square, Tanya and Greg. A wave of frustrated anger swept over him, and he approached them.

Tamwar had admitted at the hospital that Greg had repaired the roof of the Arjee Bhajee earlier in the year -not well, seemingly. The shock of the collapsed roof, and the image of Syed trapped in the rubble, were horrifically fresh in Christian's mind.

Greg baulked at seeing Christian striding towards them. He also saw the tiredness in Christian's step and the weary but determined set of his shoulders.

"Christian, I'm so sorry" Greg opened, unable to wait a moment longer for the anger he knew was in store. "Truly, I'm devastated at what's happened. How is Syed?" -First things first, that was the important thing now.

Christian drew a deep breath and replied "We don't know yet, he's been unconscious. He's sleeping now, but his leg is badly broken. The rest…well, we'll know in time."

Greg was ashen, and looked to Tanya for support. "I wish things had been different, you don't know how much" he said.

Christian couldn't help it, biting out a quick cutting "Really?" in a quiet, angry reply. He was exhausted.

Greg insisted "I _told_ him, I said it was unstable and needed urgent work, replacement or at least extensive repairs, but…"

"What?" Christian's eyes flashed, cutting across him. "When?"

"Masood, last week, the roof, he wouldn't listen, he didn't want to believe it, he couldn't afford to believe it right then. I've heard it all before, they don't want to know, but the consequences aren't usually so….extreme, the collapse. No one should have been in there. I tried to warn him Christian. I'm so sorry Syed was injured."

Christian couldn't believe it. Shock and anger coursed through his system. As if the accident hadn't been bad enough, to find out now that it had been preventable, avoidable, but yet again the irrevocable Masood pride had overridden everything else, with horrendous consequences. Desperate for the illusion of the perfect public occasion, to prove Tamwar's respectable engagement, they'd purposefully ignored the danger. Masood had likely caved to Zainab's demands, as neither would admit a weakness or a failing. Showing off their favoured son and their perfect new business, thought Christian bitterly. So much for celebrating the couple's love and their future. They'd pushed aside fears, cut corners, taken totally unnecessary, damaging risks. The injustice burned through him. Irresponsible pride threatened Syed's life and his future, and had endangered everyone they were supposed to care about. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing thoughts.

Tanya turned tentatively back to Christian, wary, but said sincerely "Please give our best wishes to Syed, I…I know he's something special." Christian saw she was genuinely concerned. He knew she could count Syed as a friend, having worked closely with him, albeit for a short time. She's quickly grown to respect him, and had laughed with him, as they'd set up their new business together the week before. Christian was grateful, even in the midst of this crisis, knowing Syed had been getting the respect he deserved, glad that others saw the same light in him that he did. The momentary relief must have showed on his face. Tanya looked at him kindly, adding "Christian, how are _you_?" She knew how worried Jane was about him, about them both.

Christian shook himself alert again, replying "I'll be fine, thank you, as long as Syed is okay. That's…all there is right now." he added simply, his voice breaking. Quickly his resolve returned. "I'm just here to change, collect some things for Sy, then I'm back to the hospital." he said quickly.

"Wish him well from us, won't you. See you _both_ soon then." Tanya insisted, just as Greg added "I'm so sorry it's come to this."

Christian's anger returned, flashing in a new direction this time. "Me too" he said, with quiet but steely determination, as he glanced across at Syed's former home, the Masood house. "You know, there's someone else who should be sorry, who put Syed, who put everyone, in danger. But we've heard nothing, nothing from him, not even empty platitudes or weak words." Tanya and Greg looked a little alarmed at his tone, but they clearly understood his hurt and pain. Christian continued "Do you know, I think I might just feel a bit better if I know he feels it too, even something. There must be something. He has to feel his share of the responsibility, 'accident' or not."

Christian looked back at Tanya and Greg –they were jumpy, they needed his reassurance, so they could pretend everything was okay, despite everything feeling fragile and broken. He told them what they needed to hear.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine" he insisted. "But I need to do this. Look, don't worry about me, see you soon, okay?"

He strode towards Masood's house, as they turned away. Yes, he thought, he did need to do this. The pain and hurt was too much to contain right then, and whatever caution Syed might have warned, Christian was just so angry that Masood had hurt Syed yet again, needlessly this time, and he seemed not to care. Things needed to be said, things that had been brewing long before this new desperate crisis.

-c-s-c-s-c-s-

"Please don't leave me" he'd whispered, uncaring who was nearby, focussed only on Syed's unconscious form lying in the ambulance. Tears of fear and shock were spilling down his cheeks; he felt like Syed was slipping away from him, and he was simply trying to will him back. He felt so useless, unable to help him, and the sweeping, uncontrollable panic consumed him as he sat quietly at his side.

The harsh lights and impersonal, somehow mechanical, systems of care slotted into place one-by-one at the hospital, as people bustled in and out, and Christian felt so disconnected from Syed as they were thrown into the midst of emergency procedures. He was glad of them all, and the quick attention, but that did not lessen the shock of the intrusion into their private world, which suddenly seemed so fragile and out of his control. He foolishly wanted to yell out that Syed was special, not like anyone else, but he knew that was true for every single person rushed through their doors. He was shaken and bewildered, and a reassuring hand on his shoulder, or word of comfort, from passing staff, was all he could bear as he sat down to wait.

He'd forgotten what it felt like, to feel so alone. 

-c-s-c-s-c-s-

As Christian approached the front door of Masood's house, he remembered the terror that had gripped him as he had sat there, by Syed's hospital bed, holding his hand. Surrounded by the all wires, tubes and machines, he had felt the slow, steady heart-beat through Sy's hand and wrist, afraid to let go, as the fear and panic coursed through his veins like ice.

Thankfully Syed was stable now, sleeping and sedated, as more tests were run. There was still so much unknown, and he knew Syed was there alone, but for Tamwar. Tamwar, to whom he would be eternally grateful, for supporting his brother and Christian too, when they really needed it, uncaring of the consequences awaiting him at home. It felt wrong to Christian to not be there every moment, and he had to fight the urge to return, but they'd insisted he should go home to collect things for Sy, wash the dust out of his hair and the change the debris from his clothes.

He would be back at Syed's side at the hospital soon, nothing would keep him away, but first, there were things that needed to be said, and he wanted to see the look in Masood's eyes when he heard them.

-c-s-c-s-c-s-

He knocked on the door, ready for the rejection that he knew would be the instinctive response to his presence, to his very existence. Masood answered, shock, anger and even a degree of alarm fighting for dominance on his face, and he tried to close the door. But Christian was ready, pushing the door further open, stepping inside. He sidestepped Masood and quickly strode into the living room, before Masood, who had been unbalanced at the door, could recover enough to block his way.

Masood's face was suffused with rage as he approached Christian.

"Get – Out – of my house" he said with undisguised fury.

"No." Christian simply replied. He would not move an inch until he had been heard.

"It's lucky that Zainab and Kamil aren't here, or I'd throw you out, right now." Bitter determination flashed in his eyes, as he held his ground in front of the taller man. "Tamwar is…." he tailed off, realising just where Tam was likely to be. He regrouped and demanded angrily "What do you want, Christian?" 

-c-s-c-s-c-s-

"So, I know you _think_ he's going to hell, but did you want to send him there too?" The words exploded out of Christian, angry and unconsidered.

"What?" said Masood, darkly.

"Syed, the roof collapse, you _knew_ and you did nothing!" He took a deep breath. "He's finally happy, becoming more himself than ever, and now this! Not only do you blank and ignore him, but now you risk his very life too…. He could have died! I thought I'd lost him!"

"No going back, no second chances, he could be dead Masood! I thank luck, or whatever it was, that saved him. We still don't know how he'll recover. How does that feel, knowing you've destroyed him in another way. Does he deserve this? In your eyes? In your faith?"

"Stop right there." said Masood, in a warning. But Christian pushed on, all the pent up frustration flowing out of him.

"Can your guilt be brushed aside, if you think he deserves this as some kind of retribution?" he said in disgust. "This is Sy's fight for his life. I'll be there for him, every step of the way."

He paused, shaking, but the anger flashed through him again.

"You _knew_, you knew the roof was unstable, but your pride and denial put everyone at the Engagement Party in danger, for what, for your misplaced pride? Syed was trapped, unconscious, bleeding, you saw….you saw and said nothing. Do you feel nothing?"

Masood squared up to him, and virtually spat his reply at Christian bitterly.

"I didn't _want_him there!"

Christian didn't hesitate.

"But you _knew_ Tamwar did. It can't have come as s surprise to you. Did you just _expect_Syed to just stop caring about his family? Caring about his brother? Of course he cares, he hasn't stopped." He added fiercely: "Do you _want_ him to?"

At that, Masood hesitated, just for a moment. Christian could see him steeling himself to reply, forming the next words, ready to attack.

Christian had managed to stop himself calling Tamwar 'Tambo' instead, as he and Sy did to tease or discuss his brother. Despite his anger, his instincts kicked in and knew not to cloud the issue, as his ease and familiarity would further provoke Masood's anger. Despite Tamwar's plight -struggling with his parents to choose his own future- here and now, the only important issue in Christian's heart was Syed…..Christian's stomach dropped every time he thought Syed's name, that sickening lurch of the unforgettable reality that Syed was lying in hospital in pain, at that very moment.

Christian could feel the hostility coming off Masood in waves….but he hesitated, there was also something else. Underneath the palpable fury, the determined set of Masood's face, in his eyes Christian could see a hint of culpability, of self-doubt. He was hiding it well, but it was there, unsurpressable…Was it possible that the human heart was emerging from beneath the self-righteous exterior? Masood was volatile and angry, and the cracks were beginning to show.

Masood spat the words out quickly. _"I am protecting my family_, my wife, my daughter, my sons –my _other_ sons. Zainab, Kamil, Tamwar, Shabnam -they matter too, and they're all affected by his actions, by his disgrace. _Our_ future. I have to think of them now. I can't save Syed."

"He doesn't need saving" Christian insisted. "He doesn't believe he needs saving. Not from me, not from us."

Realising nothing had changed, Christian quickly rallied, and continued.

"What about you Masood, is your conscience clear?" He paused. "Everyone was in danger. Tamwar, Kamil, Zainab, what if they had been hurt too?"

Masood snapped, immediately on the defensive. "I didn't intend to put them in danger, I thought it would be okay, it was just one night. That's all."

"So even now, you can't admit you're in the wrong! After _everything you've done to Syed_, he's now in hospital, hooked up to machines and…."

Masood could no longer contain his anger, and cut in, "After everything _I've done_to Syed? _He's_ the one that lied, that cheated –he cheated on Amira, he cheated us too, with his lies. He destroyed lives. He risked and damaged so much more than just himself." His bitter disappointment with Syed was evident in his tone.

"Do you think he'd do that for no reason, with no conscience?" -Christian tried to make him see, despite his anger. "You brought him up, do you truly think he'd willingly inflict pain and suffering, put the people he loves through that, if he felt he had any other choice?"

Masood pushed on, undeterred. "He took our trust, our love, and squandered it, on sin and selfish indulgence. I can never understand it. For months, for years, he lied to us, lied to everyone he claimed was important to him. Broken trust –do you know what that feels like, Christian? Like daggers in your side, nothing will ever be the same again. You too –we trusted you, and you betrayed us, taunted us, hated us."

"I didn't hate you," Christian said quietly, "not until you destroyed the person I love, and you despised me, openly hostile. "I share in the blame, it's true, but I was hurt, and punished, too. No one came out of this unscathed."

"But this is about Syed, your son, lying in a hospital bed. Unconscious, in pain -due to your neglect, and you still feel nothing? He's sleeping now, with all the medication, while we wait for more tests. We still don't know how badly he's hurt." His voice quaked, no matter how hard he tried to steady it.

Masood didn't speak. He had the grace to look down, taking in the news, taking several careful deep breaths. Then he looked up, his mask of uneven resentment slipping quickly back into place. There was a flicker in his eyes, but he wouldn't let himself react, not to Christian. His family was at stake. Syed was no longer part of that family. "He left us." he said finally, and turned away. "We did everything we could for him, despite his sin, and he threw it back at us. I have to rebuild what's left of my family." His tone was shaken, but determined.

Christian recoiled at the lack of human sympathy and compassion. He had always struggled to understand the loss of the bond from parent to child. He wanted nothing more than to leave, and let them wallow in their bitterness and self-deception, but he knew for his lover and partner hurting in hospital, his future uncertain, that he had to restrain his anger and try to get through to them, this was his chance. Masood had to be feeling guilt for his role in the accident. What would it take to reach him? Christian felt the tiredness creep in. Did he have the strength to try?

"You know, you weren't the only ones in pain" he began. "Can you begin to imagine what he went through? You took him to the hospital…back then" but Christian was unable to continue, thinking of the failed suicide bid, when everything seemed impossibly broken. Masood shifted uncomfortably, but before he could interrupt, Christian continued, less calmly than he had hoped, asking strongly,

"Do you really see him at all? The truth –it hurts, but you need to hear it…."

"The truth - from you?" burst in Masood with derision. "You try and teach me about _my_ son?"

Christian felt his temper rise. "This wasn't new, with or without me. Even _you_ know that. Sy's always been this way, always will be. You _do_ know, he was with me, before he proposed to Amira?" Okay, that was blunter than he intended. He tried again. "Beautiful moments of freedom and honesty, but always tainted by guilt and self-persecution on his part, by desperation at the loss and waste on mine, seeing his struggle. When he could no longer deny what he felt, he was terrified, trapped, knowing the devastation he could cause for you all. Going against everything he'd been taught to believe was impossible to him. He proposed to Amira to try and make him feel the way he was supposed to feel, want the things he was supposed to want. He wanted to believe it, he was terrified of failing. Why do you think he was so scared back then? Could you not see it, feel it? Did you not want to? He had to hide who he really was, every day, pretend the engagement was working, every moment. It was destroying him bit by bit. To know that everyone around you, who's supposed to care about you, your family, your community, your culture, all believe that what you are is shameful, is wrong? Can you image how devastating that feels? He went to the Imam, told him the truth. Did you know that? He told Syed he would bring shame on you all, that he should concentrate on his fiancé. Syed knew you could only love the person you needed him to be, not who he is."

Masood bit back "You were there, all the time, tearing him away from her, destroying his hopes, his tempting him from his true path, with us, with Amira, with a family of his own. He was weak. He was selfish. You are to blame, both of you."

"I wasn't the first! I'm sorry Masood, I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. I was just the one he fell in love with, luckily for me. He is not weak, or selfish. He put everyone before himself. He tried so hard to do the right thing by you all, to change himself, to be what you expected, what you needed, what you insisted upon. He made a mess, hurt everyone, especially Amira's future. He carries that knowledge with him, don't think he doesn't."

Christian continued, "As for me, us, he walked away, back to you, for so long. We hurt each other, so many times. The reason we hurt? The honesty stung, the pain goes so deep, when you truly care. We tried to stay apart, move on in separate lives, leave. But the connection was already there. We'd fallen in love. He said he wished he hadn't, back then. We could make each other so strong, or wound each other so deeply. But there was a beautiful truth at the heart of it all, undeniable, of love, and true understanding."

"He pushed me away, he married someone else for goodness sake! At Zainab's insistence, not hiding her disgust from either of us. I had to watch him put everything else first, his faith, his family, his loyalty to Amira, knowing I was last, behind all of you, knowing the huge mistake he was making. He loved _me_, like I loved him, but I had to let him go. He thought he was doing it for the right reasons. We stayed away for the longest time, I saw him crumble under the pressure, falling apart, yet still insist it had to work. I heard Amira's hurt. She wanted the perfect relationship, couldn't understand what she was doing wrong. God, I even helped her, helped her get close to him" he cried out "can you imagine how that tore me apart?"

"All that time, Zainab was persecuting me with barbs and taunts whenever she had the chance, and you Masood, you revelled in my misery too. Don't try and deny it." Christian couldn't forget the stinging pain and devastation of Masood telling him the news of Amira's supposed pregnancy, the lies designed to hurt him as much as possible.

"I was protecting him, protecting them, their future, their child" countered Masood. "Why was that so wrong?" he demanded resolutely, determined to cling to the version of the truth that gave him the most comfort, the most justification.

"Because you enjoyed it, you lied," cried Christian "You revelled in inflicting that pain. I saw it, I'll never forget it. We used to be friends once; well, you used to tolerate me at least, before it got personal. I know you blame me, see me as the predator, and I can't change that."

"But believe me, I haven't waltzed in and stolen your son away from you. I've never known pain like it, not that you care. But the love, in the end, was worth it."

"I was last, behind all of you, for the longest time. But in the end, it wasn't just about me, _it's about who he is_. It tore him apart, deceiving everyone, knowing you'd condemn him for the truth. For years he had tried to gain your approval, to make up for the faults you see in him, in everyone _else_." Christian pushed on, before Masood could erupt in anger and denial. "Oh yes, you've got form. You must know how desperate he was to hold on to your love, after you cast him out for four years! What is it now, the third time you've disowned him? Is it any wonder he was a mess. But you know what? I love him." He shouted it, desperation surfacing in his anger. "I love everything about him, from the kindness, to the stubbornness, the lot. If you've destroyed that, if you've taken him away from me...so help me, I don't know what I'll do!" Christian was shaking with anger, the adrenaline washing through him along with the pain.

There was silence, for a moment. Masood was taken aback, and Christian was struggling for composure. Christian remembered Syed's words to him, in a moment of similar heightened emotion, the clarity that cut through all the uncertainty. He treasured the words, as the start of his new life, they were too precious to throw away lightly, but he wondered if they'd have a similar impact on Masood….

"Is love a test you have to resist? True, strong love? You must have decided that for yourself, long before Syed was born. Do you go to hell for having loved? Syed has found the strength to accept the way Allah made him. Can't you even _attempt_the same?"

The silence continued, the tension strained to breaking point.

His plea seemingly haven fallen on deaf ears, Christian began again, quietly but with determination and resolve, he had to make Masood understand.

"How do you truly feel about your son Masood, after he nearly died at your hand, and only a lucky chance, or Allah, saved him? He's the most precious thing in the world to me, and if you can't see his worth, I pity you."

"We're building a life for ourselves. You're going to miss so much, so many things he's capable of. I can't say I mind for myself, you've made your feelings for me perfectly clear, but I care for him, and he cares for you, despite all the guilt and pain he's been through. He still cares, he still loves. He's full of love, not bitterness, and it's a beautiful thing. He's found a way to be happy, he finally believes he deserves it. He's not tortured, or conflicted every day anymore. However he comes through this, I want to protect him from the pain you cause him, but I can't. You're part of him, and he's never going to forget that, despite your rejections, even if you can."

"He's had to learn not to need you…but I know he misses you, all of you. Forgiveness is there, in his nature, luckily for me, and luckily for you."

"_His_ forgiveness?" burst out Masood, "He's the one that shamed us, that destroyed us, that lied."

"Yes, _his_ forgiveness, as well as yours." Christian insisted. "You both put him through hell, unwittingly and then knowingly, you made him ashamed, made him feel worthless, despised him, drove him to that despicable _therapy_." He spat the last word out, bitterness rising in his mouth. "You rejected him time and again, even wished him _dead_!" Masood at least had the decency to look guilty at this, for a moment. "You saw how unhappy he was, and you let him despair."

Christian continued, unable to stop, now he'd begun. "You act as if there's a measure of love you bestowed upon him, which has to be repaid. You watched him crumble under the pressure, unable to live up to your expectations, afraid of himself, afraid of disappointing you. Why is it so different for you? Shouldn't love be given freely, generously, selflessly? You seem to act as if it's a one-time offer, conditions attached, never to be repeated. Your disappointment and bitterness were a burden he always carried, he carries it still."

That was it, the moment fractured, the vitriol taking over again. Masood was livid -Christian knew nothing of their family, how dare he try and rewrite history, he wasn't there! Masood refused to admit to himself, in the heat of the movement, that he didn't like the questions. "How dare you speak to me like this, in my own home, try to teach me decency! Get out. _Get out_" Masood repeated violently.

"I'm going." Christian replied, his patience wearing out. "Syed needs me. I just hope this rage I feel inside at the pain you've inflicted upon him can fade to pity. You put his life at risk, along with everyone in that building. I don't want you to hurt him again, but you do, every day you despise him, even though he's so much stronger now. What is he worth to you Masood? Any of your compassion? You left me for dead –is _he_ truly worth as little to you?"

Christian moved to the door, turning back to add his parting words.

"He's my family now, and I'm his" he said, and he meant it. Masood looked shocked at that. "We're a great team, and we're going to get through this together. Never doubt that. I, for one, won't let him fall."

-c-s-c-s-c-s-

Christian stalked out into the hall, and almost fell over her. Zainab, sitting there, slumped on the floor, her back against the wall, listening. How long had she been there? He realised their shouting match must have carried out on to the street outside, a warning for anyone approaching the door. He half expected to see Tamwar, sitting on the stairs, looking tense, but was relieved to know he must still be loyally with his brother at the hospital.

Zainab looked at him, speechless, tears rolling down her face. Christian stepped past her, and threw open the door, drinking in the instant fresh air after the claustrophobic intensity of the room inside. He saw Denise pushing Kamil around the square, glancing anxiously towards their door. As he went to walk away, desperate to get back to Syed, he heard the stuttered words escape from Zainab, in her anguish, "How is he? How's my boy?"


End file.
